I realized I'm not as happy about getting into OU as I would have thought because I'm scared shitless.
I have no idea what to expect.
It's a big step in mine and Walter's relationship, and from the way he talks, I'm not so sure he's ready...
I'll be OK no matter what. I really will. But I want to be with him, and I want to know he wants to be with me too.
What he wants is what scares me. I know I'm willing to put in 150%, but I need to know he's just as willing to do the same.
And I think that's fair.
I can't really talk about this. I haven't thought enough about it.
Before I was just worried about not getting in, now that I'm in, I can focus on the actual act of moving and making things work.
I've spent every day for at least the past 2 months weighing the pro's and cons of me not getting in and getting in.
But now, it's a matter of where will I live? Will Walter live with me? Can I afford to do this? Is Walter willing to work as hard as I am? Is Walter willing to put up with me? Am I really what he wants? Should I go if he doesn't know what he really wants from our relationship? Can I cope without my family and Walter always being with his?
I'm terrified and I can't really get Walter to talk about it without getting upset and saying "is there anything that will make you happy?!"
I know what I want as long as it's what Walter wants to.
If not...am I strong enough to walk away?
I don't mean to sound like such a flip-flop...This is just the first time I think I've admitted to myself how scared I am.
I feel very alone in this. If I express doubt to my parents, they'll feed my fears and make things harder. And if I talk to Walter, he'll just be angry with me for never being happy about anything.
I don't know what to do or think...or who the hell even to talk to. I need to talk to someone so desperately. It's not good for me to keep this to myself. I'll snap if I do.